RQ

Hey LF TRIBE 🔥❤️

Let’s shape some love today.

Sorry I missed a few Thursdays, I’ve been out in the field — testing new tools and theories in the real laboratory of relationships.

So let’s chat about RQ = Relational Intelligence. As I continue to research, write about and live LOVE, this term has crept into my vocabulary.

I started studying psychology when I was 17, and like any of us who’ve become fascinated by the human psyche, I was deeply shaped by Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book Emotional Intelligence and his follow-up Social Intelligence.

His ideas gave us language for understanding some of our most primitive and invisible forces. Thanks to Goleman, I understood emotional hijacking aka flooding decades before the Gottmans’ research came into my awareness.

So why do we need this new understanding of Relational Intelligence? Because its specific to intimacy. It guides our path through enduring vulnerabilities to trust that is built, ruptured and repaired with the skills we need to succeed in our most precious connections.

LEARN RQ

So lets start with EMPATHY. And the dance between vulnerability and empathy in our intimate relationships. Empathy isn’t really an emotion, its more of a state of being and can also be seen as a character trait. I am either empathic or I am not in this moment. I am either an empathic person overall or I lack quite a bit of empathy.

Empathy is turned on when we allow ourselves to listen and understand another person’s experience and emotions. In RQ, empathy means putting your own agenda aside for a minute and showing up curious about someone else’s world. It means asking questions and showing that other person that you are interested in knowing them on a deeper level.

The Neuroscience of Empathy

• Mirror neurons: Brain cells that fire both when we act and when we see someone else act, helping us “mirror” another’s state.

• Limbic resonance: Our emotional brains sync up when we’re deeply attuned (think of how a baby calms when a caregiver soothes).

• Prefrontal cortex: Regulates perspective-taking and helps balance your emotions with theirs, so you don’t get overwhelmed.

• Polyvagal theory: Safety and co-regulation through voice tone, eye contact, and touch foster empathy at the nervous system level.

Empathy in Relationships

• Empathy is a bridge: It helps people feel seen, soothed, and secure.

• Empathy calms the amygdala: When we feel understood, the body downshifts out of fight-or-flight.

• Empathy creates repair: After conflict, “I get how that felt for you” helps us feel emotionally safe with others

• Empathy fosters intimacy: Being known and understood is often more bonding than agreement.

Types of Empathy

1. Cognitive Empathy (Perspective-taking)

   • Intellectually grasping another’s thoughts/feelings.

   • Useful in conflict resolution.

2. Emotional Empathy (Affective resonance)

   • Actually feeling another’s emotions in your body.

   • Can deepen intimacy but may overwhelm if you can’t keep your own boundaries

3. Compassionate Empathy (Empathic concern)

   • Moving from understanding/feeling → to action.

   • What makes empathy healing rather than overwhelming.