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- I Need
I Need
Therefore i am
Lindsay Brock Coulter
October 09, 2025
Hey LFT 🔥
Thanks for reading today. I love you. You’re important. I appreciate you.
Now, let’s get needy.
I asked my social media friends and followers to share their most important needs in a committed relationship. These came up again and again:
Trust
Honesty
Loyalty
Security
Love
Communication
Patience
🔗 A comprehensive list of emotional, psychological, and relational needs within a committed relationship is wildly long, and upon review, I find myself with even more empathy for anyone attempting to meet their partner’s needs let alone leave time for their own (uff add kids to the mix, and it’s all a lot to manage).
So give yourself a little compassion today: being a needy human isn’t easy.
But that doesn’t mean we ignore, suppress or avoid our needs
Instead we get really good at noticing when needs arise
Communicating to our partner about them
Working together to try to meet each other’s needs as best as possible
Knowing that we will fail, make mistakes, let each other down and feel disappointment
Keep showing up day after day and trying our best
Giving yourself and your partner grace and the benefit of the doubt
Maintaining a positive perspective
And sometimes, understanding the person you’re with may not be equipped to meet your needs, and it’s okay to find someone who will
I’ve already linked to this comprehensive list, now let’s get into specific needs I’d like to highlight. The following needs are essential for maintaining connection and emotional health in long-term love:
Definition: The ability to sense, interpret, and respond accurately to your partner’s emotional cues — both spoken and unspoken.
Why it’s important: Attunement creates the feeling of being known. When partners can read each other’s moods and respond with care, it builds trust, safety, and emotional intimacy. Without attunement, partners often feel lonely, invisible or misunderstood.
Communication: I need attunement from you. I need you to understand my inner world.
Definition: The shared capacity to calm and stabilize each other’s nervous systems through presence, tone, touch, and rhythmic movement.
Why it’s important: Couples don’t just regulate emotions alone — they do it together. When one partner is stressed, the other’s calm response can lower heart rate, tension, and reactivity. This mutual regulation is the foundation of secure attachment and lasting peace in the relationship.
Communication: I need co-regulation. When I’m stressed, I need you to be gentle with me. When I’m sad or angry, I need your loving touch.
Definition: The ability to understand and emotionally resonate with your partner’s experience — to feel with them, not for them.
Why it’s important: Empathy is the bridge between two separate inner worlds. It replaces judgment with understanding and turns conflict into connection. Without empathy, even love can feel lonely.
Communication: I need empathy. I need to know that you understand me and that my emotions are valid.
Definition: A genuine desire to keep learning who your partner is — their thoughts, feelings, preferences, and evolving inner world.
Why it’s important: Curiosity keeps love alive. It prevents assumptions and stagnation by saying, “I want to keep knowing you.” When couples stay curious, they stay emotionally engaged and open to growth.
Communication: I need curiosity. I need you to ask questions and be motivated to learn about me.
Definition: A warm appreciation for your partner’s qualities — expressed through admiration, gratitude, and positive regard.
Why it’s important: Fondness and admiration are antidotes to contempt. They help couples focus on what’s right rather than what’s wrong, creating a buffer of goodwill that protects the marriage from negativity.
Communication: I need fondness. I need to know that you cherish me, that I’m special and important to you.
Definition: The shared experience of laughter, lightness, and spontaneity that brings joy and levity to the relationship.
Why it’s important: Play reminds couples that love isn’t just work — it’s also fun. Shared laughter reduces stress hormones and increases bonding hormones like oxytocin. It’s how couples reconnect, recharge, and grow their friendship.
Communication: I need Play. I need us to joke around and find the joy and humor in life together. I need us to play games/sports and have fun with you.
Definition: The deep alignment of beliefs and priorities that shape a couple’s life direction and decision-making.
Why it’s important: Shared values create a shared compass. They help partners navigate choices around family, money, lifestyle, and meaning. When values conflict, even love can feel unstable; when values align, love becomes purposeful.
Communication: I need shared values & alignment. I need my values understood and honored.
Definition: The experience of emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness that comes from mutual vulnerability, trust, and care.
Why it’s important: Intimacy is the heart of a marriage — it transforms partnership from companionship into deep connection. It’s not just about sex; it’s about emotional safety, openness, and feeling fully seen and accepted.
Communication: I need intimacy. I need uninterrupted quality time with just you and me.
Definition: The clear, respectful limits that define where you end and your partner begins — emotionally, physically, mentally, and energetically. Boundaries are how you protect your sense of self while remaining open to connection.
Why it’s important: Healthy boundaries create safety and trust. They prevent resentment, overextension, and emotional fusion by allowing each partner to stay grounded in their own needs, values, and rhythms. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re clarity. They make love sustainable by ensuring both people can give and receive freely, without losing themselves in the process.
Communication: I need boundaries. I need some alone time. I need us to negotiate better on things. I need us to practice honoring each others emotional bandwidth.
Sharing these two links. The first is a handout to help you remember your 9 essential needs. The second is a formula for how to communicate needs in your intimate partnerships. Enjoy ;-)
love,
Me 🦢
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